Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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