No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
