Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
