You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
