Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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