I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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