the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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