i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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