I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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