Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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