I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
