I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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