one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
