You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
