Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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