I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
