true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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