Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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