i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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