It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
