And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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