My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i think i just lost a toe
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
