dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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