Im at strip club and am horny
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
