i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
