remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
