Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
honey bunches of taint.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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