Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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