mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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