Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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