Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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