You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
