my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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