He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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