I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
