Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
barbara walters just said penis...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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