theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
