I just pynch a tree in the face
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
