You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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