"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
