My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
