I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
