I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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