I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
