i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
