I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
