Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
