I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
