Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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