Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
