how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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