I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
